Loving a long lost Child
Guess who is in the picture below? You’re right. It’s me when I was around 4 years old, and I love sharing it online. This is because this photo tells a lot about my life story. I am not ashamed to tell everybody that I grew up in a broken family. I even shared it in a two-part interview here and here.
I knew the whereabouts of my mother when I was 19. But I was already 23 years old when I met her for the first time. That meeting was a tough one, just like the ones you watch on a TV drama series and movies. As expected, problems lead to another problem and another. Both of us were enjoying our silly ego, and none of us would want to give in.
However, this post is not just about me. This is about all the parents who once lost their child, and now has the opportunity to be with him again. Unfortunately, your child is now a total stranger. Many things had changed after all those years, and both of you may not be ready to accept that. Before you lose him again, you might want to consider some important things.
Face reality
You child did not grow up with you so do not expect an immediate sweet response yet. Although he might be also missing you a lot, the pain inside of him is not easy to forget. His personality might not be the one you wish he has, but you must face reality. He lived without you as his parent for a long time, and therefore you do not know each other that well. For now, be glad that you are seeing each other again.
Tell the truth
This is the hardest part but the most important one. Your child may or may or not ask you crucial questions. In either case, tell the truth and nothing but the truth. This may hurt both of you, but this can also be a start of your good relationship. Do not blame his other parent for what you have done. After all, it takes two to tango. However, it may not be easy for you to finding the right time to talk. So, first things first.
Do not force your excuses
No matter how much sacrifice you had when you left him, they will all be alibis because the truth is, you still left him and nothing can change that. Do not make him feel satisfied just because he grew up with a better life like what you always wanted. Never justify your previous actions by forcing your child to believe that you did the right thing. It is like convincing your self that you did not make a mistake.
Maximize your time
You cannot bring back the lost time, but you can maximize the time left. Every minute counts so do everything to be a good parent. Make him feel proud that finally, he has now a parent to share his ideas with. Enjoy each others company. Crack jokes, go to places, and listen to him. Help him in all you can; emotionally, spiritually and if you still can, financially.
Finally, none of the above will work in a day or two. It may take weeks, months, and even years. But one thing is for sure, it can be done. I should know, that’s what my mother did.
Doing what we should do does not mean we should always do right.
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“Never justify your previous actions by forcing your child to believe that you did the right thing. It is like convincing your self that you did not make a mistake”
…. Yes you are indeed right Kuya Angel. The quote above does not only apply to a mother who has lost a child but can also be applied in general as well. Acceptance of a mistake committed is not easy but someone who did the wrongdoings must be aware of the consequences it will bring.
Offtopic Kuya Angel – just want to confirm that I have read your email. ^_^ I’m thinking about it talaga…I’ll let you know soon. ^_^
Thanks for agreeing with me, Snow. By the way, I am now preparing a review for the e-book to help you understand more about it. I may publish it tomorrow. Regards.
This is a very personal post, one that digs deep down into one’s private life. I’m sure glad you were able to share it with your readers. But you are right. All those years of separation and alienation cannot be erased just like that in one moment of actual meeting face to face. There will be strange feelings of pain and hurt and inability to feel anything with one’s biological parent after all those years of separation. Yes. it may take years for the feeling to be reestablished and for the love to blossom for both parties. Thanks for the poignant post. God bless you always.
This is a touching post. I’m glad you and your mom got to meet, and repair your relationship. I have a friend who adopted a young boy, and I’m guessing at some point years from now he’ll track his mother down.
Our child Immanuel Genesis just turned one year last Nov. 14. I’m 36 and my wife, Marissa, is 28. We were married in 2004 and did intentionally delay having a child. I appreciate Angel’s blog post and I’ll make sure that, unlike my experiences with my late father, Geeboy will always have a great time with me.
I also know the feeling in a way Sir Angel because I grew up with my grandparents in the province of Pangasinan and I came here with my parents when I’m about already a high school student. So I have to adjust also but now it’s great. Take care!
nabasa ko nga yung story mo na yon e.. veru touching pero haaaaay ewan you know I am having marital probs and wants to quit now I am having second thoughts hehe..
this is indeed a very personal story. I thank and admire you for sharing this.
I sure am glad this didn’t happen between me and the kids…
you are very brave to dig deep from your past and cared to write it here. i myself don’t have the courage to put in black and white my obscured life which i left behind. blogging sure is a good instrument to release all of it (well, almost). you got good readership and quality articles and me think you deserve a link in my blog. God bless and keep on blogging!
Mel – Yes, this post is very personal to me. However, I decided to share it hoping that it could help other parents and children. I am even planning to share more. Thanks!
Dadshouse – Your friend’s adopted boy will definitely look for his parents, and that’s normal. But again, it does not mean that he will leave your friend.
Mano – It’s good that you’re planning your family. I wish all parents have the same attitude as yours. Thanks.
Johnlazy – I understand how you feel, and I hope you can adjust soon.
JoanJoyce – Problems in a marriage I think is natural, but I really suggest that you think a million time before giving up. I hope you can solve it soon, and I will try to make a related post soon.
Roy- Thanks for the admiration. Hope to see you again here.
Pinoyapache – It’s not easy for me to decide to make personal posts, and it took me a lot of guts. However, it is really my passion to help families and sharing my own story will be a great help. I will appreciate definitely a link to your blog. Hope you visit me again. Thanks!
God has other plans for you that is why these things happened. So that you may inspire other people. Keep it up my friend.
You’re a brave man Angel. I salute you for having the courage and post your personal life here. I know it’s not easy, but it lessen the pain somehow. My father had a broken family too, but he’d been a good father to us. Iyak tuloy ako alala ko Dad ko ;-(
I’ve read your childhood story several times on different places. This is another side of the story which gives me a new insight. Thanks for sharing.
Fatherlyours – That’s actually I’m trying to do. I am looking forward to inspire more.
Ambo – It’s my courage that keeps me going, and if sharing my life can help others then I am very honored to do that.
Article Specialist – I still have so things about my life that I want to share. They makes me useful as a person. Thanks for following my life, my friend.
ayoko magbasa nang mga tearjerkers hahaha getz mo father? hahaha! walang pinagkaiba ang “broken” sa “dysfunctional” hahaha
but i commend you for being a siga sa buhay, kahit picture pa lang eh talagang sigang siga na eh
Hi Angel,
I admire & respect your opinion. But you should post the same topic from a father’s point of view. Your comment “No matter how much sacrifice you had when you left him, they will all be alibis because the truth is, you still left him and nothing can change that…”
I understand that is how a child would feel but now that you are an adult, do you still feel the same??
As a child, we did not care for reasons. But as we mature, reasoning becomes more important than action itself.
If your 3 kids are drowning and you can only save two of them… who would you save? Would you want your unsaved child to haunt you??
I hope you never have to decide which one of your kids survive, but if you do, you will fully understand that reasons is far more important than the action itself… thank you. kim_khan
Hi Kim,
Actually, my mother once asked me that. And I said, I will also do what you did and it just so happened that I was the youngest.
But then, that was not issue for me. In fact, I never ask anything to her and I never asked for an explanation. I never questioned her decision even when I was younger. My father explained to me while I was growing.
However, my mother seem to defensive that time. She was questioning my habits, my decisions, and my ideology. She keeps on telling me what my mistakes are, but do not appreciate my achievements. She was always on a high voice, and do not listen to my side.
Well, that was not until she took a vacation here in my place. She began to see all my daily activities – how I love my family, and doing my best to be a good husband, father, and son. Then, she realized that I really did not grew up bad – even without her.
Thanks.
I have read your life real story for several times and it always inspires me. Kudos to you! You deserve everything you have right now.