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When a family member dies, it is a reality that all of us find it hard to accept. If adults cannot easily cope up, just imagine how children suffer when this tragedy happens. While we are mourning with the loss of a family member, let us also consider the feelings of our children since they may be not strong enough to face such challenges.

After thousands died during the Haiti earthquake, I hope this post will be useful to the survivors and social workers to help children cope up when a family member dies especially if it is their parents. More than the financial support, I believe that children need more attention and here are my ideas on how to help them.


Don’t push them to accept immediately

Some parents try to calm their children by pushing them to accept immediately, and forcing them to move on. Maybe this is also their way to motivate themselves, not understanding that it may worsen the situation. All of us have different timing of accepting reality, but it will be better if we do it gradually especially to children. Reminding them about the happy days when the family member is still alive may be a good way, but not for always. Silence on the other hand is also fine, but only a few times. Children need to release their emotions, which can help a lot to accept reality.

Keep an open communication

Children have different kinds of expressing their sorrow, and adults should be sensitive about them. Other than crying and screaming, some of them express their pain by drawing, walking, and talking. Therefore, it is very important to have an open communication with them. Don’t just lend your ears, but also have time to hear their feelings. It helps a lot when children know they have someone to talk with. Although it will be difficult for them, try to divert the conversation to the good news rather than just the loss. Encourage them also to comfort others especially to the ones younger than them.

Provide assurance that everything will be fine

The first thing that children will be worried about is their future. Who will take care of me now? How can I live without my parents? These are only some questions they might ask, and adults should provide assurance that everything will be fine. If you don’t have yet a concrete plan, just assure them that they will not be left alone after the burial. Allowing an adult to always be by their side will be their sign that there will be someone who truly cares for them. If one or both parents survived, they should bring the child everywhere they go and hug them with all your heart.

Don’t’ force the children them to attend the funeral

Some children do not want to attend the funeral, so don’t force them. Better ask them first, and give their freedom to choose. Some of them may find it easier to cope up when they attend the funeral, while some of them cannot since seeing the coffin adds more pain. Accepting the reality that a family member dies depends on the character of the child, and adults should understand and respect their decision. However, you can try convincing them to come by telling them to offer flowers or to entertain the guests. In either choice, just make sure that he will not be alone.

Seek professional assistance

There are cases where even the surviving adult finds it hard to cope up, which I am sure that the Haiti earthquake is one of them. They see it in the news and being mentioned everywhere, and will add pain. We know that different nations and individuals are helping the Haiti earthquake survivors, and I am sure that there are professional child counselors who volunteer to help. But in isolated cases, surviving adults should analyze whether the children need a professional assistance or not. You can do that by observing the attitude of your child, and check if his usual habits changed after the loss.

This maybe an absurd tip but I wish parents could talk to their children about death, and tell them to be prepared when their time comes.

For my children especially to my teenage daughter, I always tell her that anything can happen anytime. I always remind her to be ready, and to be strong whatever happens.

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